Thank you for waiting.

I had the joy of seeing Simon Armitage at the Ilkley Literature Festival. The Yorkshireman is a delight to listen to with his wonderful take on the world and dry wit. He opened with Thank you for waiting, which I have posted below for your reading pleasure.

“Thank you for waiting.

At this moment in time, we’d like to invite First Class passengers only to board the aircraft.

Thank you for waiting.

We now extend our invitation to Exclusive, Superior, Privilege and Excelsior members, followed by Triple, Double and Single Platinum members, followed by Gold, Silver, Bronze card members, followed by Pearl and Coral Club members.

Military personnel in uniform may also board at this time.

Thank you for waiting.

We now invite Meteorite customers, and passengers enrolled in our Rare Earth, Metals points and rewards scheme and thank you for waiting.

Accredited beautiful people may now board, plus any gentlemen carrying a copy of this month’s Cigar Aficionado magazine, plus subscribers to our Red Diamond, Black Opal or Blue Garnet schemes.

We also welcome Sapphire, Ruby and Emerald members at this time, followed by Amethyst, Onyx, Obsidian, Jet, Topaz and Quartz members.

On production of a valid receipt, travellers of elegance and style wearing designer and/or hand-tailored clothing or flaunting individual pieces of jewellery including wristwatches with a minimum purchase price of 10,000 US dollars may now board.

Also welcome at this time are passengers talking loudly to cell phone headsets about recently completed property acquisitions, share deals and aggressive takeovers, plus hedge fund managers with proven track records in the undermining of small to medium-sized ambitions.

Passengers in Loam, Chalk, Marle and Clay may also board.

Thank you for waiting.

Mediocre passengers are now invited to board, followed by passengers lacking business acumen or general leadership potential, followed by people of little or no consequence, followed by people operating at a net fiscal loss as people.

Scroungers, malingers, spongers and freeloaders may now step forward.

Those holding tickets for zones Rust, Mulch, Cardboard, Puddle and Sand might want to begin gathering their crumbs and tissues ready for boarding.

Passengers either partially or wholly dependent on welfare or kindness, please have their travel coupons validated at the quarantine desk.

Sweat, Dust, Shoddy, Scurf, Turd, Chaff, Remnant, Ash, Pus, Sludge, Clinker, Splinter and Soot, all you people are now free to board.”

Thank you for waiting from Paper Aeroplane by Simon Armitage

Advertisements

4 thoughts on “Thank you for waiting.

  1. Deeeeear Shell,
    Thanks for sending this poem via THE COPPER RIVER. It’s priceless. I shall print a copy of it.
    Have a good day tomorrow, and hope your journey is stress – free.
    Love Joan. x

    Sent from my iPad

    >

    Like

  2. I’m so jealous you made it to the Ilkley Literature Festival. I should have been there and had a ticket to hear my friend’s son-in-law speak on the early years of Wm. Turner. Unfortunately I got some sort of bug the day before and had to miss the event.
    I’ve just finished Simon Armitage’s book ‘Walking Home’ which I bought at Hay Festival ( for Steve really who walked the Pennine Way when he was 19 ) and I’ve really enjoyed it. Like you, I enjoy his dry sense of humour.
    Joan x

    Like

    1. That’s a real shame 😦 I’ve nearly finished ‘Walking Away’ and I’ve enjoyed that just as much as ‘Walking Home’ 🙂 Thank you, Joan, for reading my blog 🙂

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s